A mother's Love
I need to write a follow up on my last article because since I posted “A mother’s pain” so much has shifted in my life. I am not saying everything I stated is not true- but I can gratefully write from the other side now. And I hope that this may bring hope to mothers who are still in the reality of isolation and pain. Here is to you:
My heart is overflowing. It’s the first day of a new year and even though I only slept a few hours I feel rejuvenated. I celebrated together with my new friend and guide to happiness Daniela. She came to my life like an angel. But I will come to this later. We went to a Hotel that hosted a Cacao Ceremony followed by an ecstatic dance party. Our children were with us. We began the night in the Hot Pool, where our Babies were swimming excited and getting tired (clever mum trick).
Then I put Aya down in a room close to the dance floor, put a tablet with Skype next to her and head the other end of the line in my hand.
And then we danced- for hours, in true ecstasy (no drugs needed for this intense feeling- just cacao). My body was so pleasant in the dance, I felt immense gratitude and a sense of connection with the people surrounding me and the world beyond.
At 12 o’clock we were lightning candles and shifting years in silence. But my heart was overflowing and tears of happiness running over my cheeks.
What happened to this state of being connected to the last condition, I only wrote one week before?
I take credits for a big part of this shift: I did the work.
The starting point for me (and many other mamas) was as you know a feeling of injustice and isolation. Here are my steps to a new position:
Address your feelings. If you feel something is wrong about how you are seen (or not seen) as a mother, talk with the ones you see responsible. Or people who seem to be part of the problem. I projected the ignorance of my community on one specific friend. I was angry about his posts on facebook and would have liked just to ignore him. But this wise little voice inside of me told me to talk to him. He represented what I saw as part of causing my isolation: somebody busy “saving the world” instead of being present with somebody just next to him needing him. While talking to him (in tears and with my heart beating strongly) I realised how behind projecting on him, there was more. The way I saw him act (or in his case not act) was like I felt as a child with my father. He was busy saving the world and not present for me. So I allowed myself to feel these old feelings of anger against my father and then forgiving him. My friend was surprised to hear how I am feeling. He had no idea. And fair enough- how should he know? There is little education on the reality of motherhood. So I explained him. And he asked me straight how he can be of support. So the next day I asked him for babysitting to which he happily accepted.
The same friend was moved by our talk and took my story to a “coincidental” meeting the same day. He told Daniela who he just met in a community dinner about me and she told him how much she would love me to know that I will move beyond this state of pain. If it wasn’t for my anger and followed by an emotional talk, my friend would not have taken my story to this meeting and I would not have met Daniela. She embodies all the acknowledgement and support I wished for.
Visualisation. Every day since talking to my friend and allowing myself to feel those feelings of despair I decided to focus on the antidote of what I am experiencing. I sat down in the morning focusing my awareness on an imagination of me being supported. I let myself feel the emotions connected to these images and just stayed in this atmosphere while breathing in and out. I call this “embodied visualisation”- because I am getting a literal feeling in my body to a scenario I create in my mind.
“Receive” When finally all comes to you what you have asked for it might be overwhelming. For me it was. Sitting in a bathtub filled with flowers, having my back massaged and being asked questions about my giving birth. It was literally too good. So I took some deep breaths and opened my emotional body to this new reality. You ever closed yourself because it felt scary too receive so much goodness? Maybe you felt ashamed when somebody made you a super pleasant compliment? So I sat in this bath of flowers and consciously decided to just receive. To allow to be supported. And more beliefs I had melted down. A believe that I need to be independent. I accepted that I can depend. That dependence is not a prison but a connection. And that in this chapter of my life healthy connections are part of my basic needs. For you there might be different resistances showing up once you actually come to receive. Just breath through them- it’s new at first. You will grow into it.
And now my perspective shifted. What first came into my life like a miracle became a reality that I could see in more places. I was able to perceive support now. Everywhere. The smiles we get in cafes. Smiles inviting me to reach out. Before I didn’t perceive that these smiles where invitations. I could perceive all the friends in my life that were open to hear me. I mean I did speak with them before. But now I could acknowledge them as support. The baby chairs in cafes. The waitress taking my daughter while I eat. People opening us doors, letting us go first in waiting queues. It’s like I learned to see a new color, which was always there, but I was blind for this notion before. I overlooked this color because the lack was overcoloring the whole picture before. This new way of seeing changed me further, because I started to focus on these new aspects. And if a sign of isolation and lack of support showed somewhere, I could just not get stuck with it. Where I focus on is my freedom. I can decide where to lay my eyes upon. I can decide with whom to speak and about which topics. In my embodied visualisation meditations in the morning I see myself as an instrument that gets tuned to a certain tone. And now it was like I could perceive this tone also outside of me. Before I was playing a tune that leaded me to matching sounds outside that were not pleasant.
This next step my spiritual teacher Thomas Hübl calls “the second test”. Once you have shifted something inside of you at some point you will encounter a test outside of you, to see how stable your inner shift is. I encountered my “old self” in other mothers. So mothers who are in the feeling of isolation and injustice. And here comes the test. Because what they experience is so familiar to me, I might just join back in to the old song. This might look trivial to you: “well, what is wrong with just talking words with somebody that might not be your new truth”- but this makes the big difference. We are habitual beings. Breaking a habit is a piece of art. So instead of joining these familiar talks you got to resist and stick to what is true to you now. That might involve that the hidden contracts you have with old friends will not work for you any longer. Contracts in friendships are rules we agree on. It’s the common ground we move on. For example: “ we are hard working people who like to party hard”. And then one of the friends becomes mother and now questions this agreement. Real friends will find a new ground to stand on together. “We enjoy life and relax together”. In the case of the mothers whom I met, living my old story I stayed with my new truth of connectedness. And I think a little spark jumped over to her.
This is where I am now. The magic of the new chapter has calmed down. So what arrived to my life in ecstasy and a big feeling of gratitude and wonder is now my ground. It feels familiar. This is how fast we can get used to a shift of mind. I am still practicing to just ask for support when I need it. But now I am able to see that I can ask.
I gave myself credit for this shift, but an other big part of this fast development is the place I am: Bali! This island is amazing in many ways. I don’t know if in Europe I would have been able to change my perspective (that fast). Bali is charged with good hearted people. The whole culture aims to be giving. The Balinese people literally practice giving on a daily basis, when giving offerings.
The state I am in doesn’t only feel like the choice I made- it feels like the natural state to be in. Why natural? Because there is less (or no) resistance. Look in nature: you will not find a tree fighting to grow. He just grows, and blooms, and lets his leaves fall down. I believe that our natural state as human beings is one of generosity and abundance. It just feels easier to be that way. Isolation and lack of support is a trauma- it’s the absence of movement.
So if you experience any lack as being a mother, bring this pain in connection. Talk about it. Bring yourself in connection. YOU bring yourself back in connection.
I still acknowledge motherhood as part of our cultural blind spot, as an area of life deeply traumatised. My focus goes to create a new story. One of connection and support. As a natural expression of being humans sharing this life.